Confessions of an AKBNO Fanboy

12 Jul

SUPER☆GiRLS has been teasing a mysterious – and sexy – television project since mid June. This week they announced their first television drama, “Chozetsu Zekyou Land” (Transcendence Scream Land). Described as “survival horror,” the series takes place in an amusement park called Paradise☆Land that gets overrun by zombies, wotas, and monsters after a meteor shower. Saori plays a reporter, Mirei is a photographer, Rika and Hikaru are fangirls of an actor (a subplot involves a movie shoot at the park), and Amita, Gocchan, Miyari, Rachel, Rino, and Ruka play school girls working at the park during the summer. The promo shots seem heavily inspired by the video game Dead Rising. And evidently there will be bikinis, torn clothing, and for some reason unbuttoned shorts and pants. 

Chozetsu Scream Land will begin airing on July 17 at 12:30AM.

Streeeeegu is back! And this time it’s personal.
Streeeeegu was one of the funnest idol concert series ever. Literally every week for two months I stayed up until 2AM to watch the niconico stream and vote for my favorite team (w-Street Osaka). For those unfamiliar with the concept, each week two street-sei teams compete against each other in a variety show featuring singing, skits, and crazy hijinks. The live audience and niconico viewers then vote for the winning team, as well as an MVP (only those attending the live concert vote for MVP). The first Streeeeegu was won by w-Street Osaka and Yuki Kanazawa (e-Street Sapporo and GEM leader) was voted MVP. The concerts were also significant because Chisami, Kakochin, and Sara were added to GEM in large part because of their Streeeeegu performances.

Season two seems slightly more ambitious since there is an “opening ceremony” and instead of all the street-sei teams converging on Akihabara, each regional team will be able to host their own concert in their hometown. Because of what happened with Chisami, Kakochin, and Sara, Street-sei members can consider this their opportunity to separate themselves from the pack and impress the producers.  Season two begins on 8/3 and concludes on 1/26. No word yet on whether they will be streamed on niconico again.

Unfortunately coinciding with the reveal were four street-sei graduations. Saya, Kanehama, Yuka, and Arisa’s final day as members of iDOL Street was on 7.6. Really depressed about Saya in particular.

I’ve lost track of how many members graduated this year. Avex assembled a lot of talent, it was probably just too hard for the girls that didn’t get chosen for GEM to feel there was a reason to stay. I can’t help but think the other 3rd gen members may be considering leaving.

Rachel News ~ The Road to Tokyo Reira Festival 2013 ~
Reira has been posting “action photos” non-stop at her blog lately. It’s one of the current idol fads. Most of Reira’s action photos involve “extreme jumping.” Extreme jumping is like regular jumping, just more extreme.

I have no idea what I am talking about, so I brought in a very special correspondent to help analyze the photos.

Professor George Tanaka, thank you for joining us for this very special report.
Professor Tanaka: Where am I? I was about to go inside my house when I was drugged and thrown into the back of a car.
Hehe, let’s not talk about that. So what can you tell me about these photos *throws several photos in his face*
Professor: Exquisite! Who is this lovely creature *begins to caress the photos*
Don’t you dare look at her! I only abducted you to analyze the photos!
Professor: *puts on glasses* Sorry, I may have gotten a *little* carried away. Let’s start with this photo *puts on another pair of glasses*


Why do you want to start with this photo?
Professor:  This photo has an amazing kaleidoscope of colors, impeccable ambient lighting, complex textures, and unique composition. And I like bikinis.
Um, are you really a Professor?
Professor: Define “professor.” *takes out measuring tape* Let’s see what we have here. *begins to measure (and secretly caress) the photo* Wow, 130.8 cm! And I’m not referring to cup size! That’s a new extreme jump record!

Gee whillikers! That’s a lot right?
Professor: Damn right it’s a lot! I never thought I would live long enough to witness such a jump. Good thing I stopped being a cocaine addict. Oh, and I hope you don’t mind that I drew all over the photo.
I do mind. These are my treasures.
Professor: Well, I’d pay you back but… you know. Anyway, the arrow I drew indicates where she began her jump.  She probably could have achieved even greater height if she wasn’t weighed down by that bikini.

Let’s do this photo next. There’s a lot of jumping. You like that kind of thing right?
Professor: I love jumping. The only thing I like more than jumping is bikinis.
as2Can you compare Reira’s jump to Gocchan’s? By the way… have you noticed that Gocchan go—
Professor: Got hot! Great minds think alike. She sure did get hot, but as you can see here *points at the photo* girl can’t jump. Only 55.17 cm. Very disappointing considering her hotness level.
But it looks like she is higher than Reira.
Professor: That’s why I drew an arrow indicating where she started her jump. Photography can get really tricky with depth of field and white balance… and reflective yellow and pink outfits. Next photo! I grow tired of this one!
Why is that Professor?
Professor: There are no bikinis!

as4Professor: Ahh, now this is a photo! *sips an imaginary glass of chamomile tea* There is so much going on I don’t even know where to begin. There’s jumping… there’s rocks… there’s super short shorts… there’s random people in the background, probably stalkers… and last but not least, there is jumping.
I told you there was jumping! And lots of it! Is this photo one of the best idol “action photos” ever?
Professor: Hmm, ’tis a great photo, but there were some pretty good idol action shots in the 90’s.
The 1990’s?
Professor: No, the 1890’s. Anyway, I am pretty sure that Reira broke the record for the highest jump ever by an idol! Now I must rest! My cocaine withdrawals are coming back *instantly falls asleep*
Professor Tanaka wake up. There are ever so many more questions I have. Like how did you calculate Reira’s jump starting point? And what is her home address?
Professor: Please don’t wake a former cocaine addict when they are napping. *puts on clothes* But yes, 281.6 cm is a new idol record.  She jumped so high that her starting point isn’t even in the frame.
Wow, Reira is awesome.  You can go back to sleep now. *Professor instantly falls asleep*  But what the heck is the girl on the right doing *violently wakes up the Professor*
Professor: Where am I? Mommy! Don’t leave me! Don’t you ever leave me! I mean… um, yes that is a new idol record. She jumped so high the starting point isn’t even in the something something.

We’re not talking about that anymore Professor. I think that is Miyari on the right, but I’m not sure what she’s doing.
Professor: Hmm… ahh… ooohhh… eeee… I think understand now. It’s difficult to see clearly, but she isn’t actually jumping. Her knees are on the ground. See where I drew the two lines.  She appears to be praying to some sort of God. A war god if I’m not mistaken… and she probably hates men.
What a weird thing to say. But if she hates men, I should be safe then. And what is Hikaru doing? I’ve never seen that type of jump before. Is that a new form of  “extreme jumping”?
Professor: Yes, very good observation. She’s jumping forward.

Amazing! So idols can also jump forward, not just straight up?
Professor: Yes. Modern idols have perfected all manner of jumping, and spinning, and twirling about and what have you *Professor starts pirouetting like a ballerina to demonstrate*
Professor, please don’t say “what have you.” It makes you sound really stupid. We have time for just one more photo.
Professor: Oh my GEM… they’re naked. *faints*
Well that wraps it up for this weeks edition of Rachel News *tucks the professor in and looks through his wallet* Herman Kobabowitz? Door-to-door bra salesman?? Wait a second, he’s not a professor!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: